Christmas...

I write this at 12:53 am. It's Christmas. There is no Santa. There is no snow. There are no loved ones. There is no holiday cheer. So tell, is it really Christmas? No. Its just another day. I have come to the conclusion that Christmas is not December 25th. December 25th is just a day. Christmas is friends and family. Christmas is the spirit of goodwill. Christmas is… well, not readily available in China right now.

I wont lie, it has not been the best of weeks for me.

I originally intended this blog post to be about the 4 goats I saw killed on the street here. I intended to discuss the how deadened I was to sight of it. How little it bothered me to see these 4 animals stabbed in the back of the head, only to be laid upon the ground and have their throats slit. The crimson blood draining from their bodies into an awaiting basin. That’s what I intended to write about, but after a week’s worth of other events, I’ve started wondering how deadened I am in general. I just feel… indifferent.

It has been a fairly stress filled week, with little or no time to vent. I’ve been giving my students their finals, which gives me almost no time to do anything else. I have now realized I have too many students (appx. 900), which translates to too many papers to grade.

Additionally, I got some depressing news from a good friend. At first, it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it should have. It was unexpected, but at the same time a known possibility. Like a line drive with a bad bounce: you think something is going somewhere, but it suddenly changes directions. You knew it was possible, but unexpected. For some reason, though, I didn’t really react. I just watched it race right by. Days later, events piled up: loneliness sank in slightly, the weather got colder, and eventually, I must admit, I started feeling a little down, in general. It wasn’t like I was suddenly depressed or anything, but I just slowly started getting into a deeper and deeper slump. And right now, while I am sitting alone in my apartment on Christmas day knowing that in 6 hours I have to be up and teaching and giving tests… well, it makes me feel like I am sitting in a spotlight in a dark theater. I know there are other people out there, but I can’t help but feel alone.

At this point, I feel I should mention that you shouldn’t worry about me. I’m fine, and I’ll always be fine, but my blog exists for me, and I feel like writing all this.

Regardless, I know why you are really here. You want your photo. And that’s okay by me. I like giving it to you. The lead reminds me of better days, and the first few weeklies are part of that.